Stories produced by St. Peter's Journalism Students
Isaiah Olivieri, Class of 2016 and Gabriella Robles, Class of 2018
With DC and Marvel’s movie franchises topping the box office charts, one thing is for certain: People love their comics. Whether it’s Superman soaring through the air or Spiderman scaling the side of a building, everyone want to see the good guy triumph over the villain! But let’s be honest here… not everyone can be Clark Kent. You’re bound to have some duds in there too– and boy, are there duds. Here’s some of the dumbest superheroes and super villains that probably should’ve hung up their tights.
Dr. Hank Pym woke up one morning and decided to become a superhero after finding a chemical could alter a human’s size. After also creating a helmet that could control the minds of ants, Pym shrank to the size of an insect in order to fight crime. Just saying, but if i had a device that could alter the size of my body, wouldn’t it make more sense to grow rather than shrink? A man the size of an elephant would be much more effective in fighting criminals than a man the size of an ant. But hey, whatever works. Pym then trained his buddy, Scott Pang, to become the Ant-Man we all know and don’t love. In 2015, Ant-Man was made into a movie starring Michael Douglas and Paul Rudd. As you could have probably guessed, it was a flop compared to the other Avengers’ franchise movies. Sorry Marvel, but there is nothing badass about an ant.
DC Comics’ Aquaman was the son of an undersea explorer who taught him the ability to communicate with sea creatures and breathe underwater. Even the DC Comic writers knew this guy’s superpowers were lame so they decided to also throw in “super human strength.” You know, just in case he gets in some beef with a whale or something. Basically, he is a human fish, which isn’t exactly the scariest sea animal– I mean, seriously, “Hammerhead Shark Guy” or “Giant Octopus Dude” would’ve been much more intimidating. His powers are an undesirable blend of foolish, ineffective, and restricted to a habitat where no man lives–except for Aquaman, of course. It’s hard to imagine any relevant superheroes, like Batman, relying on Aquaman for anything but a good conversation.
3. Red Bee
By day, Rick Raleigh is an Oregon district attorney. By night, he is… a giant bee? The Red Bee likes to carry around his “Stinger Gun” and train bees to fight gangsters and Nazis. I mean, everyone has a hobby but I don’t think I would qualify this one as a superpower. The favorite of his bee swarm is Michael, who lives inside his belt-buckle and is only let out under “special” circumstances. Thank god DC Comics killed him off almost as quickly as they created him. The Red Bee didn’t exactly seem like a guy that got invited to parties very often.
2. Stone Boy
Stone Boy’s superpower is pretty obvious– he can turn himself into stone. In most cases, he is used as a weapon that his allies can throw at enemies. It’s pretty hard to come up with any other ways that this “super” power can be useful. He appeared in a scene of a Legion of Substitute Heroes comic book where he got stuck in the ground for most of the story after being dropped from a building. So If you’re ever in need of a f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶ giant human boulder, Stone Boy is your guy!
1. Arm Fall Off Boy
Just when you thought DC Comics had covered it all, they come up with Arm Fall Off Boy. Yes, this is real. Arm Fall Off Boy has the ability to detach his own limbs, which he can then use to (uh…) hit people. He possesses no other powers. In Legionnaires #43, he is a finalist to join the Legion but he panics and literally falls apart during the last test. Either way, it’s hard to say what impact he would’ve had on the Legion group. What super villain would he have fought? One whose mortal weakness is being hit over the head with a severed limb? Poor guy.
A superhero is not a superhero without a formidable super villain. Real villains are able to invoke fear in our heroes and create a scene for them to overcome. But some of them have trouble figuring themselves out. Here is a list of the five worst super villains.
5. Calendar Man
Calendar Man is known for committing crimes that correspond with specific dates, especially holidays. This makes it pretty easy to decipher when he’s going to attack. His victims include random citizens, women he stalked, members of his own gang, and even his own parents. This guy is a glorified psychopath but not a very good one. He looks to celebrate any given occasion in his own sadistic way but seems to always get caught by a DC hero in the process. Maybe he would be more effective in his crimes if he was a little more spontaneous.
4. Rainbow Raider
Rainbow Raider uses special goggles to transmit colored beams of light and temporarily blind his opponents. He’s basically a human laser show. At a young age, Rainbow Raider was an aspiring artist until he became color blind and eventually turned to the wrong side of the law. His major crime, as you could’ve guessed, is art thievery. Despite the fact that this is a sad story of an artist that just wants to express his creativity, the Rainbow Raider still has a pretty lame super power.
3. Pink Pearl
After quitting her job in a circus troupe as the “Fat Lady,” Pink Pearl decided to hire her own team of circus-performing terrorists. She has no special abilities. She’s just fat. Last time I checked, that isn’t exactly a supernatural power and it’s definitely not any reason to be deemed as “evil.” But don’t worry, Pink Pearl isn’t all bad! After being defeated by Marvel’s Captain America, she decided to open up a male strip club which attracted members of a Canadian justice team, Alpha Flight. Now that’s what I call a happy ending.
2. Ten-Eyed Man
After being blinded in a warehouse explosion, Philip Reardon receives a new form of eyesight from an underworld doctor. He was given a little eyeball on the tip of each of his fingers– hence, Ten-Eyed Man was created. I think the most ridiculous thing about him is that everyone in the DC Comics seems totally scared by his abilities.When the Ten-Eyed Man was finally captured, authorities had to put him in a maximum security hand-box to prevent an escape. They seriously thought this guy was that big of a menace to society. I just can’t find the perks of having eyes on your fingers. But my biggest question is, how does he wash his hands? No one likes soap in their eyes.
1. Condiment King
A recurring enemy of DC’s Batman, Condiment King sprays food toppings such as ketchup, mustard, tabasco and vinegar to temporarily subdue his opponents. He has been featured in Batman: The Animated Series and BatGirl: Year One as more of a comic relief because, naturally, it’s a little difficult to take a guy with a giant ketchup gun seriously. Not to mention his terrible catchphrases such as “I knew you’d ketchup to me sooner or later.” Although, in Condiment King’s defense, he’ll never run out of ammunition– if he’s committing crimes in a grocery store.